


Untitled Goose Fic

by Kiloueka



Series: No Spoilers [4]
Category: NieR: Automata (Video Game), Untitled Goose Game (Video Game)
Genre: Crack Crossover, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Geese, Gen, Humor, UNTIL THE LAST CHAPTER, spoiler free
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-24
Updated: 2019-10-24
Packaged: 2021-01-02 06:56:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21157469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kiloueka/pseuds/Kiloueka
Summary: It's a lovely morning in the Bunker, and you are a horrible goose.





	Untitled Goose Fic

When 9S and 2B arrived back in the Bunker after an uneventful mission, they could sense an air of tension permeating through the air… well, at least 9S could. 2B on the other hand dutifully headed to the command room to give her mission report.

9S hurried after her, keeping close and surveying his surroundings. It was strangely quiet in the halls, and the air had a thick… organic smell to it. Did someone forget to shit before flying back up to space? 

Right as that thought came into his mind, 9S spotted a small wad of green and white… something… on the floor ahead of them. 

“What the hell is that?” he asked.

“Dunno,” 2B shrugged, “but be careful, you don’t know what it is.”

9S looked at her. “I mean, yeah, that’s what I said.” he approached the strange substance and ordered his pod to scan its molecular makeup.

“Scan complete. The contents of this object are 83% digested grass, 11% water. 69% digested seeds, and 2% domestic goose genetic material.”

“Digested plants and...goose genetic material?” 9S brow furrowed. “Wait, is this goose shit? On the bunker?”

“Affirmative.”  
“What the hell? Is this some sort of prank?”

“Unknown.”

9S sighed as he stood up and turned to 2B. “I’d rather not touch this, let’s go figure out what the hell is going on.”

“Agreed,” 2B nodded and they rushed over to the command room. The door slowly slid open and 9S impatiently rushed inside, immediately slipping on something and crashing down on his back.

He screamed and flailed as he tried to right himself but slipped again, twisting around and landing face-first with his arm twisted underneath him.

“9S!” 2B frantically gasped and ran to his side. She paused and cleared her throat. “Are you okay?” she asked in a much more even tone.

“Y-yeah,” he replied, sitting up and massaging his shoulder. He could feel a strange wetness on his leg and he absentmindedly rubbed his fingers along it and brought it to his face.

“M-more goose shit?” he yelled. “Aw yuck, it’s all over me.” He stumbled upward, running his glove up his leg and ass, scraping up a thick glob of poop before wiping it on the wall with a disgusted look on his face. 

2B simply watched as he squirmed around while attempting to scrape as much off as he could. He gave up after a minute and sighed loudly before slipping off his boots, socks, and pants and wiping the remainder off his bare leg.

2B averted her gaze as 9S tossed his clothes on the floor and stormed into the command room. 

There was a stronger air of unease inside, only growing stronger as 9S caught sight of a group of operators looking right at his undershorts. His cheeks flushed as he realized what he had done and he nervously looked to 2B who was hurrying past him while looking at the ceiling.

Suddenly he didn’t really want to confront the Commander in this state but before he could turn around, 2B exited the elevator and approached White. 9S, not wanting to be left behind and let 2B get new information before him, carefully tiptoed behind her, hoping her dress would hide the fact that he was missing pants.

“Ah, 2B, 9S, you’re back early. I hear the mission was a success.” White said, nodding at them. 9S immediately noticed that there was something off about her; her hair was unkempt and her dress was wrinkled and looked like it hadn’t been washed in a long time. There was a certain tenseness in her face similar to the look she gave after not resting for two weeks.

“Commander why is there goose shit in the halls?” 9S asked before 2B could give her report.

White sighed and shook her head. “I see you’ve noticed our little problem we’ve been dealing with for the past few days. Indeed there is a goose on the loose in the Bunker.”

“A goose?” 9S exclaimed. “An actual real live goose is running around up here? In space!? Somebody didn’t just bring a box of poop up here and throw it around the halls?”

White closed her eyes and nodded solemnly. 

“How the hell did a goose even get up here?”

“I’m not sure but I have my suspicions.“ She glanced at 6O watching them from her station. She quickly looked away and hid behind her monitor.

Just then an eerie and uncomfortably loud honking sound reverberated throughout the room. All the operators ducked in their seats, shielding their heads and looking around wildly for the source. 

Even White looked extremely on edge. She stood with her shoulders hunched, gripping her riding crop tightly in both hands. 

“We haven’t been able to capture it,” White said in almost a whisper.

“How?” 9S cocked his head. “It’s just a goose.”

A nearby Defender approached them. “I’ve heard rumors that it’s actually a highly advanced machine that’s able to evade our sensors.”

“That’s impossible,” White scoffed. “YoRHa is--”

_ Honk.  _

White squeezed her crop. “YoRHa--”

_ Honk. _

“The Bunker is the most advanced orbiting satellite the android forces have, there is no possible way any machine would be able to avoid detection for this long.”

_ Honk honk. _

“But how does a regular goose--”

“Don’t you have a mission to complete?” White interrupted, standing up to her full height and smacking the end of her riding crop in her palm. “Off with you.”

The Defender sighed and wandered off, grumbling under her breath.

_ Honk. _

White immediately shrunk down to her previous stature for a moment before stretching out to a point midway between that and her full height. Her shoulders were still hunched and she continued to grip the crop tightly.

“Anyway, 2B, 9S, your next assignment will be to--”

_ Honk. _

“Your next assign--”

_ Honk. _

“Catch that damn goose.” White snapped, stamping her foot lightly before quickly recomposing herself. “It’s been a--”

_ Honk. _

_ “--nuisance ever since it arrived.” _

_ HONK!  _

White’s face scrunched up and she whipped around and walked a few feet away. She took several deep breaths before turning back around.

“You’re dismissed.” She waved the crop at them and the pair quickly retreated to the elevator.

“Well,” 9S began after they were out of earshot of the Commander. “At least we don’t have to fight any machines on this mission.” 

“We’ll have to be on our toes regardless,” 2B answered. “If this goose has evaded the entire Bunker for several days we might have our work cut out for us.”

9S sighed as they approached the door. “Yeah, you’re probably right.” He stopped in his tracks as it opened. “Where are my pants?” he asked quietly. The hall where he left his soiled clothes was barren save for the smearing of goose poop that painted the floor and a bit of the wall. He turned back to the Operators.

“Did someone take my clothes?” he asked loud enough for a few to hear. Some turned to him and shook their heads or shrugged, a few of them giggled as they were reminded of his situation. 9S cheeks grew hot as he caught sight of them staring at his crotch and laughing and suddenly he felt very exposed. 

“Well thanks anyway bye.” He crossed his legs and scuttled through the door. 2B quickly followed, holding her hand over her mouth and straining to keep her shoulders from shaking. 9S let out a small whimper and hoped to get to his room as soon as possible.

When they entered the main hall, 9S saw one of his boots lying in the middle of the floor off in the distance with a single white feather lying a few feet away.

“What the..?” He rushed over, hoping to see more of his stuff come into view but was disappointed to find nothing but the shoe and another pile of poop in the middle of the once-sterile hallway.

“Who the hell took my clothes?” 9S whined. He jumped slightly as he heard the command room door open behind them and they both turned around to see 6O sneaking out and hurrying over to them.

“Hey 6O,” 9S said as she reached them. “Have you seen my clothes? I left them right in the little hallway, er, thingy outside the command room.”

“The goose probably got ‘em--anyway 2B can I talk to you for a second thanks!” She grabbed 2B by the arm before she could even answer and dragged her into her room, leaving 9S alone in the hallway clutching his soiled boot.

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't actually played Untitled Goose Game. One of you should buy it for me. 
> 
> Haha just kidding!
> 
> ...unless?


End file.
